Fishing, Matching, Harmony....fail

At the insistence of my good friend Ashley, I decided to give this online thing dating a try. And although through it, you could get a date every night if you put in the effort, I am looking for quality, not quantity. I think (and it has been confirmed) that guys use online dating as a means of getting laid just by buying you a drink. I went on a date with a guy who told me that he was on the site because he heard the girls were easy (red flag). I have had zero luck (I recently tried Match and Plenty of Fish) and feel that this medium of meeting guys could be worse than meeting a guy in a bar. Most of these sites take a lot of time and effort. I did meet a guy almost 5 years ago on eharmony and we even lived together, but I think that was before the lazy man entered the scene. At least I will have some good stories to tell.

And now for my Top 10 ways to not get a date with me online.

1. Lie about your age and post pictures that are 15 years old: If we do eventually meet, I will find out what you really do look like, that you are 10 years older and 5 inches shorter than what you said on your profile. I won't overlook the false impression or blatant lie because I think you have a “great personality.” No, you tried to dupe me and that won’t save you.

2. Online catcall. It doesn’t work in person so what makes you think it will work online? I don’t think I’ve ever heard one of my girl friends say that the way she met her current boyfriend was that he yelled “hey, your hot!” as she walked by and after hearing that she knew he was the one.

3. Check "yes" in the "do you do drugs" box. That is great that you are being honest and all, and thank you for that, you saved me the hassle of meeting you and then finding out further on down the road, but it doesn't quite fit into my "lifestyle."

4. Tell someone who has made the statement “I love baseball and beer” that you hate baseball and beer, I mean why even bother. Clearly we don’t have a lot in common so why even bother telling me? I will call you unamerican and a communist and then make fun of you for being lame, just not to your online face, but in my head.

5. If you're “married but looking for a relationship” then maybe you should be online looking for a divorce attorney rather than a date. Get your issues in order.

6. Use proper grammer and not stupid spellings. You have to make a good first impression and if we are on the fence with your far away picture showing that you are well traveled, give me something to read that may actually make me think that you aren't so bad. Don’t send me this:

"Hay how are u doing ?I just happened to be browsing on through profilez when I came upon yurz and I liked it very much and u are one very beautiful woman so if u are down to actually being friendz and kick it and call each other off of here with a real man not no A hole or bad boi plz write me back A.S.A.P"

Also, the cut and paste email that shows me you didn't read my profile at all and is so generic that I can tell that you clearly have emailed it to every girl's profile that you've clicked on and you will not get an email back. On the basis that you are lame. And not cute. And short.

7. If we do set a date, be assured that I'm going to be 10 minutes late. Why? I just am, I don't need a reason. You, however, should be on time and not make me wait 30 minutes for you at a crowded bar, looking like an idiot. Heck, I just may talk to that cute guy at the other end of the bar.

8. Post good pictures. Not pictures of you holding guns, looking completely wasted, or posing next to any of the following: hot girls with big boobs, dead animals that you killed (excluding fish), a mobile home or trailer park, or 18 drinks. Also, that's cool that you've been to the Eifel tower and that you got a picture of it, but how can we see what you look like when you are ant sized? Really, who is anyone kidding, it is all about what you look like!

9. Read my profile because I will read yours. I spent time to write that stuff and it tells you about me, so if you think I'm cute and you want to write to me, just read it. If I post a picture with the World Series trophy and I say in my profile “I got to go to the family night and take a picture with the world series trophy” don’t ask me “hey, how’d you get a picture with the trophy?” duh.

10. Don’t tell me to bring a bathing suit on our date so we can take a bubble bath and no, I will not go to your apartment so you can cook me dinner on our second date. Although the thought may be nice, I have standards. I am not easy and I will not sleep with you on our first, second or third date.

And this just tops the cake:

“I'd lasso the moon and pull it down for you... But you already have the World Series trophy! How in the hell did you get a picture with it?

Marry me? ; p”

Cal Game Fun?

After it hailed on us during the 4th quarter (notice all the rain gear) and watched Cal lose in the final seconds, we gathered around for a nice family photo for my Dad's 63rd birthday (minus Paigelee).

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch...

As I am one for movie quotes, and truly believe that all conversations are greatly improved when a movie quote is correctly used, couldn't pass this up when I saw this post over at Pardon the Egg Salad, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

The rules:

• Pick 10 (or so) of your favorite movies.
• Find, remember, or look up a quote from each movie.
• Post them here for everyone to guess.
• Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
• NO googling or cheating by doing an online search. Cheaters never prosper.
• Commenters should share the fun and only guess one movie (on the first try — if you come back and you know one that still hasn’t been chosen, knock yourself out).

Ready?

1. "If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit."

2. "I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips..."
"You'll get nothing, and like it!"

3. "Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight."

4. "Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... and there I was, face-to-face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since."

5. "We don't have beer. Just tequila."
"What's tequila?"
"It's like beer."

6. "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"

7. "Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value."

8. "You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great."

9. "Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"

10. "No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it."

An LA Adventure, Circa 2005

Through some pointless searching on Craigslist for some extra holiday dough I sent a response to a casting company that employs "actors/actresses" to work as TV audience members & extras. I thought that it would be fun to be an extra, even though I have no experience or acting talent. I got a call a week later asking if I wanted to be in the audience for a show called Mr. Romance Pageant (an Oxygen Network Show), I will get paid a whole $8/hr and had to dress like I was going to be walking down the red carpet. I decided that the extra cash would be nice and it was something that I have never done before…let’s face it, the title of the show intrigued me. I accepted the job and recruited my neighbor and her cousin to go with me on this LA adventure.

The "casting call" was for 7pm and we decided that leaving an hour and half early would give us plenty of time to get there, so I dusted off an old black dress (a staple that every girl should keep in her closet for these occasions), put some curls in my hair and gathered the girls. After getting lost and driving around the better part of downtown Los Angeles, we found the Orpheum Theater (it was a lucky guess to turn left, and it was there) and barely making it on time (mapquest said it would take 27 minutes, it took us 90).

There was a rather large cattle call to check in, bit disorganized instructions "find the person with the clipboard" and "stand over there". I am glad the weather was a pleasant 70 (not snowing/cold) so standing outside in a parking lot with several hundred "I want to be an actress" girls & guys was not that bad. After an hour or so, we were let into the theater. I was picked by some production lady to sit in the 3rd row from the stage (I later found out that where I was put was a desired position by many aspiring models/actresses because that was where many audience camera shots would come from). One row behind me sat the one and only Fabio. At this point I still had no idea what the premise of the show was or what I would be required to do. I was surrounded by girls that looked like they spent the better part of the day getting ready and were constantly looking at themselves in a mirror and touching up makeup. When asked if I had a mirror or some lip-gloss that could be borrowed and replied "No" I got strange looks. I had my ID, peanut m&m's, and Tetris on my cell phone...what more could a girl need.

Around 9:30pm we were told that the show was going to start, finally. Fred Willard was a commentator (Best in Show & A Mighty Wind), I wanted to hear him say "Heeeyy, whadt happen?" but he was sitting in the balcony above me and his commentary could not be heard. Fabio & Cindy (the Heiress of Romance) were sitting behind me, and some Harlequin publishers & writers were sitting in another balcony acting as judges. I started to realize a bit more about what I got myself into. The lights went down, smoke machines went off and a "Josie & the Pussycats" meets the "Donnas" band started singing a punk song called Who is going to be Mr. Romance. 6 scantily clad go-go dancer type girls came out and did a little number followed by 10 men who were all competing to be the next Mr. Romance. Once they started their little dance number I was wondering if I had entered into a chip-n-dale club on accident or if this was part of the contest. Shirts were ripped off in a "I am Thor" kind of way, muscles were flexing like they were in a body building contest, and girls were shaking their butts, I didn't know if I should clap, laugh or toss dollar bills. The number ended, girls were screaming and I was bright red....and then, they did it all over again and again. Since it was for TV and not a live show they could do as many takes as they wanted to. Plus only having 8 cameras, they had to do several takes to get all kinds of camera positions. We all got a program that listed the guys who were competing and what they did. One was a go-go dancer by night, another was a fisherman, and most were models. Wow, they have aspired for so much.

A cheese ball announcer came out after the 3rd take to fill us in on this show. The 10 guys were competing for a year contract to be on the cover of all harlequin romance novels, to be the Oxygen Network spokes model and $50K. I have no idea where they picked up some of these guys, but the casting directors idea of a "hot-romantic" guy is far from mine. 1/2 were decent looking the other 1/2 were u-g-l-y. We were then required to do different audience shots... screaming, clapping, laughing, reaching for the "guys". One of the cameras stayed on me for a bit and made me a bit nervous, but I remembered not to look at the camera it left and then came back again, scary....very scary. Some of the girls were moved out of my section, and I was happy to know that I made the cut to stay in the front rows.

After the dance number was a segment where the guys put on outfits that they thought "represented" an idea of romance. Now remember, these guys have made it thus far on looks, I don't think brains ever entered the competition. When they were all out on stage I was waiting for their version of YMCA, which never came. They were dressed as Indians, superhero's, vampires, firemen (which was the best one), aviators, fishermen & more. They flexed, took of items of clothing, and smiled for the ladies which were screaming and yelling. I was enjoying the show (or at least had to look like it since there was a camera 2 feet away from my face the whole time) and I think I laughed more than anything. The next segment, the guys came out in pairs wearing different skirts (hula, kilts...) and each did a little dance for the ladies. It is true, white men can not dance! After they each did their little routine they all came front stage and what I thought was going to be a full monty, they ripped off the skirts to reveal little boxers. More Fabio type poses and hoots & hollers.

Gene Simmons was next to make a cameo appearance complete with 2 "call girls" on each arm. He was asked to show is tongue by an audience member, but he said no. He announced the 5 that would be moving on and the 5 that would be going home. We were all pleased by the results and then waited for the talent portion. The thing about it being made for TV was the fact that there was a lot of sitting and waiting and do-overs and set changes. A lot of hurry up and waiting.

For the talent part of the show was, well, terrifying & agonizing to get through. I think posing and flexing are the only talents that these guys have, but they all searched for something that was "romantic" and could show off a sensitive side. Nope. Singing and reading an “I love you/Oh yes I do” poem, nothing showed talent. It then got even worse when we moved onto the Romance Q&A segment. Each contestant was asked 2 questions, one from a judge and one from an audience member. All 5 fell further down in my book. But like I said before, flexing & posing must be the only skill these guys know, I doubt these guys have much of a brain, sad really.

Then the moment came that everyone was waiting for...The crowing of Mr. Romance. The band came back out and the guys came back out in costume (still was waiting for YMCA). The audience was tense, and they announced the winner, shot off confetti, played He is Mr. Romance, posed with the lady like on a cover of a book, jumped up and down (he was happier than a Miss USA contestant. and Cut. "OK guys lets clean this up and do it 4 more times" WHAT!!! it was almost 1am and we had to sit though all the guys getting "crowned"? Fortunately, no. They had enough audience shots, but they have to do all 5 endings so we don't know who wins. Luckily, we were able to go.